They fuck you at the drive through

Why do customers in drive-thrus get served before those who actually go in the store?

Example: I make an effort to park the car, lock it up, trudge over to open the germ-infected double-set of doors at the Tim Hortons, then take my place in the line-up beside a drove of dregs, (trying not to overhear whatever inane conversation about weather or politics they are having, but unable to) and then --- I have to wait?

For you see, like a trained monkey, I have anxiously followed my way in the line until it's finally time to place my order and then....the girl behind the counter gives me a little gesticulation that says "just a sec, k?"

And, dear reader, what is Ol' Matty waiting for? Well -- she has to rush over and take the order...of the guy in the drive-thru, of course.

What the fack? Why does some guy who sits his fat mofo ass in his SUV get served faster, while I'm standing attentively like some Pavlovian canine, to get my freakin' vanilla cappuccino and cherry crüller?

Maybe the prices of donuts and coffee service should be like that of airplanes: first class, economy...etc. etc.

Yes, no, maybe? Let's all write letters to the powers-that-be about another über-important societal issue on www.matthewhansen.net

Who will join me in my quest? Who?

Do detectives have friends?

Do you think detectives have any friends? I can't believe they do. Remember "Murder, She Wrote?" Man, if I were Jessica Fletcher's friend I'd stay the hell away from her.

I mean, you'd just get knocked off, eventually. Jessica would be going on some trip to the Caribbean, or Georgia, Japan, wherever, and sure enough, someone's gonna get stabbed, shot or suffocated. Soon enough, it'd be ol' Hansen who'd be the victim of the crime, right?

Same with all the others. I mean, they're just plain unlucky. Wherever they go, people get rubbed out.

"Tell me, Messieur, would you like travel avec moi on ze Orient Express?"

"Umm.. I'll pass Hercule."

"Matthew, Care to join me for a dinner party at a dear friend's house in Wales?"

"No thanks, Miss Marple. I'm busy this weekend."

"Eh, Mac, I'm going upstate for some fishing. You wanna join me? My wife made sandwiches."

"Naw, I just ate, Detective Columbo."

"She made tunafish on rye. You sure?"

"Yeah. I'm sure."

Tax exempt fast food

So everyone is up in arms over Kaiser McGuinty's removal of the under four buck tax exemption on fast food.

To all those, allow me to pass on a giant "puhleeze". I apologize, but this poor-little-rich-kid-turned-pinko-commie-wannabe is just gonna have to let a bit of hot air out. And don't think I'm defending Ol' Dalty, I'm just taking a stab at all the parents and the pundits.

See, I hear all these moms and pops complaining that because of this "new" tax, high school kids will be forced to buy much cheaper, but less healthy, food at school: pizza, burgers, hot dogs - that sort of thing.

To that, I say: "umm...kids will always buy that stuff. "

You think some teenager is torn between a club salad and pizza? If people are so concerned about kids eating healthily, why are there cafeterias selling burgers? In fact, why are there cafeterias at all? Let me ask you, Concerned-Parents-Against-Kids-Eating-Shit-For-Food-At-School, do you know what's even cheaper than giving your kid some money to buy food at school? This thing called a g-r-o-c-e-r-y store. Give the brats a bag lunch.

As you can see, ol' Matty was a bit peeved at this point. So, later that night I had an overwhelming urge for a Tim Hortons cherry cruller: at the line-up, I noticed a petition (!) in opposition to this "unfair" tax. "How can he tax our coffee and donuts? Whatever will us coffee-and-donut eating people of the world do now that we must pay 12 cents more? We will go hungry, alas!" And to that, I say: "you're eating fucking coffee and muffins at a fucking Tim Horton's. This isn't a shelter being closed, this isn't social assistance being cut, this isn't a tuition raise or a Canada Pension cut. This is a tax on a treat.

So I say, tax the hell out of the treats. Maybe people will learn to make their own donuts or something. Anyone know how?